Queen of To Do Lists, I’m a working Mum of two caught on a merry-go-round of peace negotiations, packed lunches, washing machine cycles, homework help, running my recruitment business, family life, self-help books and of course ‘projects’.
A good weekend for me is one in which I feel I’ve accomplished and struck off items on my various to do lists.
I am working on just ‘being’ and it’s tough.
Yet the things I want to do on my list seem to drop lower and lower. (Book a dance lesson has now been a regular feature on my lists since 2012)
Take starting this blog for example. Its been a long time coming.
I’ve been procrastinating a lot recently.
I know what I want to do I just haven’t really got started.
I’ve put up lots of barriers. When I have done ‘x’. When ‘y’ is in place. When ‘z’ is resolved.
It will never be enough though.
As if I’m honest, I don’t feel like enough.
Lots going on in my world about confidence right now. In the blogs that I read, the people I talk to.
All helpful. It’s just if I pull at this particular weed, I find roots of self acceptance.
I can put on my confidence it’s a well worn suit. I can’t seem to fake love and trust in myself in quite the same way.
I have found this free 10 day plan How Self Acceptance Can Crack Open Your Life by Robert Holden on Oprah’s website useful.
Yet even when the answer is given I find myself deliberately saying but not getting the point. Self acceptance isn’t something I can work hard at.
If it was awarded for effort, I would have my badge by now. I’m worn ragged by the effort I put into everything.
It’s not just about what I tell myself either. My actions reveal the true story.
In the same week I feel I can’t afford to heal a sore shoulder, brought on by working at a computer for too long, I suddenly dig in and work the weekend in a manic bid to build my site and start this blog in time to join the rather marvelous Live Your Legend Creators’ Guild. Notice I can self motivate to self improve just not self preserve?
So what about self acceptance?
It’s far scarier than that. It’s (apparently) just something you let go and just